i think i'm gonna have a job... and i have a tough boss whose willing to accept me as an apprentice.

and the rain keeps pouring in... cold, uncaring...

I miss the laughter of nonsense law school babbling.
I miss the barong.
I miss the penguin suit.
I miss the incessant rants.
I miss sharing dreams.

I am afraid of what the future holds for me.
I am afraid of being left behind.
I am afraid of being intimate again.
I am afraid of being alone.
I am afraid of not being remembered for who I am, and not just for what I did.

I want to be remembered as what I have become over the years.
I want to be remembered as human.
I want to be remembered with all of my flaws and imperfections.
I want to be remembered as a lover of all.
I want to be remembered.

I am steely faced, gentled eyed.
I am dignified, gullible.
I am snobbish and cordial.
I am unknown.
I am beholden.
I am mystery.
I am revealed.

I am all too imperfect, that I am perfect...

I find the joy in simple things... but certain things no longer excite me.
I belong, but I do not belong to everybody.
I am a stationary nomad.
I need adrenaline and solitude.

I am bittersweet. Bastard of Melancholia.
I want rapture and rage and desire and ecstacy.
I want solemnity.
I want turmoil and peace.

So, what gives?

The rain is simply pouring in... cold, ice cold. It is such a sensual delight that my soul has reached out to feel its random pulse.

and the rain keeps pouring in...

unlike my brother, who will have his residency, clerkship and intership, he already determined his career when he chose surgery. he's gonna be a surgeon. as there are pediatricians, ob-gynecologists, neurologists, anesthesiologists, etc.

but me, no, law is such a general practice that the terms corporate lawyer, criminal lawyer, banker-lawyer, intellectual property lawyer, lawyer-professor are more of adjectives rather than nouns. that's simply it. Lawyer. it speaks of what one wants to practice in terms of the field of expertise.... damn, i'm good at Remedial Law, but there is no such thing as a Remedial Lawyer... Remedial Law is all encompassing, and every one is required to know it because one way or another, you end up in court.

On one hand, I want the easy life, Corporate practice, whether high paying or not, pencil-pushing, litigation usually involves civil suits for damages, collections, foreclosures, and on rare occasions, derivatives, insolvency, receiverships.... nothing personal.

And on the other hand, there is trial practice... criminal law and civil law... you meet people... some are hardened criminals, some are plain criminals, some are negligent, some are children, some adults, some are innocent... mental anguish, besmirched reputations, sleepless nights... Money depends on the case's value (which includes docket), but this is where Law is at its works... that is why we have laws... in order to deal with people. People make the law, the law is for the people.

Somehow, trial litigation is indeed exciting, yes, I want to become a litigator too.

Well, you don't really make money out of this profession, cause like doctors, the public interest is always at its helms...

I have so many plans, but I have not yet gained focus. Focus... is what I need to have right now.

i just came from a drinking session at larry's. and since i ain't drunk, i'd blog.

Yesterday I meet up with Butch and JL at makati. It was my oh so belated christmas treat for them. Inasmuch that I want my whole barkada to be there, personal circumstances intervene such as quarrels and work.

So we had dinner at Avenetto, which was cheap, good and filling. Then off we went to Mall of Asia where we saw the new theme park (take note of the word 'saw', not 'enjoyed'). We had a few drinks at Prince of Jaipur, and beside it was Gumbo restaurant, where I saw Justice Jappy having dinner.

We went ton search for a new place, and since we had enough of Pier One, and there's no cool show at Bagaberde, we headed for Malate, and ended up at Gilligan's Island where the fun continued. And we were drinking Pale Pilsen at first, talk about getting old... there were plenty of kids dancing, plus some japaks gyrating with an caucasian guy. Bigla kong naisip, ganito pala ang daigdig na iniwan ko... maingay, magulo, masaya. Anyways, they're entitled to be carefree once in there life, whilst the hormones rages and sensuality is the norm of the night life.

We were seated at the veranda outside the second floor, where we can talk in a state of semi-peace. After more beer, I saw two people walking along the street... it was Y and V.

It was my first time to see them together after more than a year (well you have to dig in a year's worth of blog entries if you want to know the facts). Perhaps, being a third person to the scenario, I felt some sort of rage, I was following them in the length of the veranda, and apparently, I bump onto one of the drinkers. But I didn't care, they caught my eye. Alcohol, rage and jealousy perhaps. I've moved on of course, but girl and I didn't have a nice parting (for the second time) so perhaps closure wasn't proper on my part. Anyways, life goes on.

And today, we had a tournament which I could say good enough for me personally, but not really, since a lot of things didn't work out well for alot of players, including me and my partner Gilbert. We could have won and increased our standing, however, you know that things are rigged at times, no matter how much good faith (and good faith is a standard which I profess) you have in the organizers.

Oh well, that's life. People will always be people. For us who have a better perspective of things, we must try to understand. Though, everything must have its limits. As Defensor-Santiago aptly quotes Manuel L Quezon... "Your freedom stops where my nose begins."

Fin.

nunca

almost two months since the bar.

so this is what bum means. total obsolescence. lack of an economic purpose.

though economics have principles such as "assets" and "expenses" and "capital", i am a standing asset which cannot be disposed of as yet, and is perpetually a walking expense account.

I wish to see my law school colleagues who took the bar. At least, we all understand each other's feelings. The problem is, we are in a state of self-imposed and free-willed diaspora.

And yes, I am looking and browsing for jobs right now, I applied to certain companies and firms online. If I find something legal-related, then thank you.

Also, the other day, Mam Precy 'texted' me about an alumni meeting. Had I not asked her what it was about, I wouldn't know what heck it was for. Ruby Jubilee something. (Oh yes, of course I know what the hell a jubillee means... it means something is getting old.)

The problem is... who the hell am I to attend such 'meeting'? I am not the batch alpha or the town crier for Pete's sake. Secondly, these people (the teachers) have not heard of the concept of the so-called FORMAL LETTER OF INVITATION. They still treat us like children. Tsk. Tsk.

Furthermore, rather than cooperating, I might be ranting then and there about how dishevelled the non-existent alumni association is. It should have been incorporated 40 years ago. Duh.

Now, they are setting another meeting which I believe was poorly (and I mean that with the most gravity of tones) attended previously. The text message seems more like a threat rather than a tinker to guilty the conscience or some non-existent social norm.

Trust me, my conscience is thicker than rhino's hide, or put it another way, my social norm has reached the level below that of demigods. We do not yield that easily... I saw the spawn of evil already. Hahahaha.

Fin.