change is painful and never ending... but somethings must, and will remain permanent.

Focus is what we need.

I have been contemplating long and hard about the offer I received from Madame Attorney. I will learn plenty. I will get plenty if I work hard. I will get a good position short of a partner if I pass the bar. It all excited me. The catch is, I have to work in Makati, not your usual Makati for the bourgeoisies, but the common folk Makati, where money is made by a truly ingenious entrepreneur who happens to be a lawyer.

I ran out of focus, I should say, I got excited, the prospect of a future salary and other emoluments encumbered me. The prospect of independence and being alone for once, fending off for myself… paying for my rent, cooking my own meals (which I rather usually do at home), for laundry services, for the good yuppy bachelor life.

However, it came to a stand still, when amidst the excitement of being independent I was subtlety interjecting ideas during impromptu discussions with Mater and Magna Mater of my intentions of independence… getting a room of my own, or a condo unit or whatever, and slightly political as I am, a compromise of having my med student brother live with me in the condo or apartment.

Mater was a bit supportive, however, she had the look on her face of sadness, or hesitation perhaps. Magna Mater on the other hand, was straight forward in her gentile way… she spoke of how nobody would be in the house if I pursue my plan, and perhaps, how silent, sad, quiet and nostalgic the house would be. Somehow, during this night, it reminded me of a previous discussion with Larry.

This was Magna Mater’s simple argument: My brother is already out there, in a condo-sharing agreement ever since, wala na kami kasama kapag umalis ka pa.

I had to face the reality that you have to give up some intermediate dreams for the greater good. And this entry somehow has moved me to tears. And right now, my emotions are stirred.

I have a family, a relatively large one. Grandpa and grandma had 3 children. My dad was the youngest, and my two aunties preceded him. Both are married. In toto, I have six full-blooded cousins in the United States of America. I have one fifth civil degree nephew, who is very much of the Italian race by now, although I haven’t seen him personally, I love him so much. My eldest auntie is married to my Italian-Venezuelan uncle. She’s a nurse. Successful in her retirement age; I have four cousins with her, two of whom I’ve personally met.

My second auntie is divorced. I have two male cousins. One of whom is dying with a disease which up to now I could not understand. He lives… and I hope he lives longer.

Comes now the point when I have to recall those “before sleep time” discussions with Magna Mater. In her time, she had no male child, and she knew that someday her children will have to leave her because they will marry. And so she had to pray long and hard to the Nazarene at the Aglipay church for a son who will take care of her…

And so she was gifted with one. And this one bore me and my brother.

Sad to say, somehow, I wish my dad and mom procreated some more, at least one or two more… a little girl or a distantly youngest boy couldn’t hurt. For my part, I could have pampered and defended with my life my ideally youngest sibling, whether boy or girl. Alas, two years worth of birth spacing eventually lead to a natural sibling rivalry of males which anyone could expect. Okay, we were given the genetic disposition of the somehow sort of genius and the strong will of killing each other at one point or another. However, that doesn’t detract from the fact that we share something in common… a lineage and a heritage.

However again, one cannot detract from what he is destined to be. In other words, you can’t choose your family history and destiny.

And so… here I am… wondering of what I can become, have I had the will power to detach myself from the past… or of who I really am. Perhaps I am thinking of “what can I do if I was somebody else?”

I had to face it… my mom would be lonely somehow. My grandmother would be devastated. My grandfather, at times, senile as he may be, would miss the hell out me, his only grandson who took the risk and went dirty when things got rough… My dad is rather in a state of limbo with his government career. My brother, present, but seems not to bother. All that is left is me… or so I think.

And so here’s the scenario… Grandma is not willing to let me go. One grandson already out there in a condo is enough for her. She is not willing to let another one go. What more if everybody is in the US and never came back? A big casa Hispaniola-Filipina inconvenienced by the perpetual flood… a relatively good real estates… I had to face it… it could be lonely sometimes… for as long as I could remember, this estate used to have a lot of blood relatives in hand… agnatic or cognatic.

But hey, who says it’s a liability? We have the resources no matter how limited they may seem. I may not need to be in a state where I should dislocate myself temporarily anyways. For crying out loud, I am Rommel… the one and only. The favored among all.

So, I guess I don’t really have to put up with what I planned to… be FISCALLY independent, that seems… perhaps I don’t have to show too much eagerness or humility… what is ultimately important is for us to stay together… support each other.

Being liquid is quite different from having assets.

So, time to switch to plan B… work what you have for your advantage. Amen.

Dream big… each one of us is created for a reason or another. Mine was to make my old folks happy… eight grandchildren… but only one destined to be the beloved amongst all.