My dear friends,

You’re probably wondering why in good heavens name did I cancelled my almost three-year-old friendster account. I owe you no explanation. It would not be so entirely alien to you. Nothing extraordinary. Inasmuch as God can exterminate us all at will, so can I exterminate my creatures. It is a right of ownership vested in my person by Civil Law and Natural Law.

Yet for the benefit of the rant, I must speak. There is a common term for that, but alas, I cannot find such term. Let me speak of it in terms of adjectives or synonyms… Kabbalic, Apocalyptic, Buddhist… Beatific.

Simply put, I’m bored by it. There is no necessity to count ‘friends’ or ‘temporary allegiances’ or ‘colleagues’ or ‘classmates’. Somehow, through this, all of us, or at least a part of us is an open book for all to see. Making known that you exist. Creating and living a concoction of reality, ideality and fantasy.

But now, I wish to return to the cloisters of myself. Alone. As always has been. Passing through time and space like the immortal soul that I am waiting to be released from the earthen bound state of existence.

I have transcended once again. Always a painful experience. Inasmuch that life itself is pain. But how does one experience bliss and ecstasy when one does now know pain? It makes us strong, bright, beautiful.

From another perspective, this is one way I release myself from the shackles of an emotional, mental or spiritual state. I destroy something or I create something new.

I’ll cut my hair. Buy a new pair of jeans. Burn letters or books. Offer oblations of blood to whomever god would answer my cries. Year after year. I change. Everybody does.

I’ll liberate myself from my ghosts. Living ghosts haunting my soul. She of the moonlit kiss whom I’ve worshipped. She of the fragrant white gold, whom I adored with all my heart. Some are Traitors. People who stab you at the back.

I must say, it is not in my nature to seek revenge. Neither would I conspire with the devil to device their demise.

I have, and always been DEUS EX MACHINA. Solution to problems. Once the problem is solved, I get discarded. I am not panacea. But I am a remedy. A sacrifice.

I am not playing the martyr-saint role here, I am just expressing the reality of my quaint existence. I am a child of the old world. My ways are not your ways, or most of it, at least. Yet I am completely of this world. I am passion. I am in love with LOVE.

She of the fragrant white gold could not understand this fact. She walks the straight path, the destiny foreseen. And silently to her, I must admit, I am in love with love.

She of the moonlit kiss understands me and shares such passion, but same as we are, we cannot stand together, always in constant motion, strife and passion and pure joy. She of the pure love. She of the lies. We cannot be chained to each other, or else, we perhaps will self-destruct.

They loved me. And I loved them back. But passion, oh sweet passion, is an intoxicating drink.

I journey with many people, but I always feel alone. Perhaps I am not of this world. Perhaps nature intended me to be such because I am such a powerful being, capable of destruction and creation.

Power is also intoxicating. Yet more lethal than passion. I stay away from it, but it always comes after me. But I prefer passion in my poison cup.

All I want now is fade away from everybody. Away from the passion, away from the power.

Obscure but not forgotten.

I long for the sanctuary of a few people whom I love, and who love me. Those who know my soul deepest than the rest.

I do not talk. I speak.

I do not hear. I listen.

I am the remedy of many people. But they cannot remedy me.

Discord always seeks me and tries to penetrate the fortress of my cloistered soul. But it will never succeed. I am human, born to survive. Born to live forever.

I am not a saint. I am not perfect. I am flawed in every aspect. That makes me a perfect me. So are the rest of us.

One virtue that I have always imbibed is compassion. Therefore, there is neither good method nor evil method with me. This is practically my creed.

(Aaaahhh… I found the term for it. ESOTERIC.)

Now, where was I? Yes, I intend not to announce to the whole world that I exist. I do not need the world’s attention. I know that I exist. They know that I exist. That is all that matters. For the greater part of my measly 24 years of earthly existence, I have seen, met and touched so many lives. They’re all proof of my existence.

But at one point will people know that you LIVED?

Answer: When you die.

One fine day people will appreciate you, but you can no longer indulge yourself in the countless praises they would offer.

I’m losing it once again. This is natural. I’m a writer by birth. It is my right to go crazy once in a while.

May be one day, if I had idle time once more, I’ll resurrect my friendster. Or perhaps some new would come along. But for now… I am enjoying the dark afternoon skies and the cool breeze brought in by the monsoon rain.

Mood swing. Escapism.